Dan got a wild hair on our recent visit to Bodega Bay. He decided that the whole family would ride horses over the mountains for an “Eagle’s Eye Adventure.” Being from the city, and never having experienced horses in general, it was kind of cute, that he thought at age 41 he could jump on a horse and ride away into the sunset; like he was the star in a cowboy movie. Dan is a huge fan of Westerns. The kids and Dan were gone for hours on an Oyster hunting adventure. It was really nice. I loved my solitude, and was happy to have the campsite to myself. Without consulting me, while I was innocently plein air painting on the ocean shore, Dan purchased reservations for four at a place called Chanslor Ranch. I'm not sure how they even came upon the ranch, but if I know my ten-year old daughter, she was the instigator. It was Tuesday afternoon and the horse riding reservations were made for Thursday so I wasn’t too concerned. Dan had found the original prize he was after, the oysters. Our camping neighbor was jealous, he had gone searching the day before to no avail. Apparently they are hard to get and sell out fast. I was easily distracted by the deliciousness. Dan started washing a dozen and a half giant oysters for the barbecue along with a dozen Kumamoto oysters for raw snacking, while the big daddies cooked on the fire. Dan lives for camping. His whole aura just lights up. His daily drudgery and work stress dissipated into distant, fuzzy memories. He gets high on campfire. Every time we go on vacation I have to pinch myself because my grouchy, old man husband is replaced by a fun, happy, “let’s do it!” guy who actually spends money like we have it. We don’t, but it’s fun to pretend we do sometimes. How much was the horse reservation? Too much. I had a cousin who would have let him ride for free, but whatever, my daughter was on cloud nine. “When are we going on the horse ride? Can we do more than an hour?” These questions and more annoying never ending ones would follow. The over excitement and buggy behavior needed to stop. It was more than a bit irritating. Aunt Jackie had to shut her down. No talking about the horse ride until the day of, and even then, there was an agitation limit line. Dan had never been a horse in his life. I had been on horses a few times, and they can sense a rookie and immediately take advantage of the inexperienced rider. My Aunt Tami thought it was hilarious to direct me to jump bareback onto her horse when I was about my daughter’s age, 10-years old. Her horse walked up to a fence and scraped me off her back like I was a rash to be itched. “Jump back on, you have to show her you’re not scared.” I did and the horse proceeded to walk over to a tree and do the same thing. Scrape, scratch, me on the ground. No, thank you. You are so welcome, Aunt Tami, I’m happy to be your comedy relief. After that fun time I rode with friends, on the backs of their horses. They did the work while I just enjoyed the view of the backseat voyeur. It was great, we were little. I don’t think the horses minded the load too much. My friends were horse chicks, and they were the coolest people that ever existed. I was in awe of their connection with their animals, but I stuck to big dogs. I am a great dog trainer. I warned Dan that riding horses hurts your butt, or it hurt my lack of butt when I was younger. Having a giant padded rear is definitely a benefit to the rider, but probably not to the horse. Em had been led a few times by our cousin on her ranch and hilltop in Penn Valley and also liked to jump on her pony and force him to walk, though he was pretty stubborn. Em had no fear and was pretty good at being bossy. I trained her with my dog to grapple and exude dominance. Smart animals are challenging, especially when they are ginormous. The day of the ride Emerald was being a pain. I can’t remember what rude thing her tween mouth dared to spit, but I was past my limit with her hormonal BS. “I’m over it, enjoy your ride without me.” I would save the family some money with my hissy fit. “I don’t really want to go either.” Damn. My tantrum is rubbing off on James. If James backs out, the “Father of the Year” award will go to someone else. Dan forced Em to apologize so I convinced James to join the horse riding adventure. “I’ve ridden a horse before.” But have you ridden a horse before with your whole family, for your dad’s first time? I didn’t think so. Begrudgingly, he joined the caravan. Scared wasn’t the right word; wary would be more appropriate to how I was feeling. It had been at least 30 years since I had ridden. What if the horse was a jerk, like my aunt’s horse? When we pulled up I realized I had forgotten my phone. No pictures would be taken of the mounted and fabulous Pearsons riding off into the sunset. It figured. I had charged my phone the previous night just for that image, which was no easy feat when camping. Emerald went in with Dan, picked out an optional helmet (I was rather impressed with her, I didn’t even have to nudge). We signed the waivers and were on our way. “Don’t run near the horses,” so she skipped and jumped instead while she personally introduced herself to all the horses that were saddled and ready for us. I could tell she was especially fond of an almost white one that looked a little young. He was hands taller than the rest--see I know horse people talk. The adorable older Dutch lady pointed to a flea-bitten gray. For non horse people, that’s the white one with tiny grey spots. She said, “Emerald will ride Casino,” in her Scandinavian accent. “Yay!” Em was beyond excited. It looked spunky for my taste. She pointed to a giant dunn mule. “Dan will ride Maddie.” What the stuff? Dan’s first horse ride and he’s stuck on a mule? I guess I’m a horse snob, but it seemed not fair but funny at the same time. I was so glad it wasn’t me. Dan seemed ok with it, and she was a beautiful, light fuzzy brown with giant ears. But she was a mule. “I’m on the big ass,” Dan giggled under his breath to me. I have such limited experience, but I suggested he request another animal if he wasn’t satisfied. He said he was fine, and would be more than happy to ride his giant, pretty ass. I realized he just liked saying ass. The dutch woman proceeded to give James and me matching reds, that were young and nice looking. They were tethered further away so we couldn’t easily inspect them, which was probably for the best. They looked like the typical horse in a horse movie. Big, reddish, brown, and calm; good. I was still wary. What if I sucked? Cowboy, the horse I was destined to ride would know instantly I was not experienced. I would be exposed to my family and cow people strangers. Why did I agree to this madness? “We love Little Red,” said multiple pretty young lady ranch hands when James mounted him. He did seem sweet, and tired, and totally lovable. I wanted Little Red. It was finally my turn, I was the last to saddle up, and a little girl about 9 years old in a helmet on an odd colored Tobero, brown and white, came right up to me--too close for my comfort. “I get to ride Cowboy soon, I’m so excited, he’s a great horse.” What did that mean? She was obviously a better rider than me, showing off for Dan, manhandling her horse, Coco, with ease. The little girl, named Addy, whipped and squeezed and demonstrated how to be a boss. Did the fact that she had to graduate to Cowboy mean that he was more of a challenge? I played the part of someone who knew what they were doing. Everyone was fooled. “You look great up there,” said a beautiful, young cattle woman. She was chatting with Dan, who had difficulty at first steering his steed. She said she could tell I had ridden before. Not really, but I was a great actress. I hoped the horse would fall for it. “Hold your reins like this, and squeeze your legs to go.” No problem. I got him to move to where I wanted. Good horse, Cowboy! I was grateful, he was doing what I wanted him to, but I think the animals were so used to the single file line riding up and around the mountain top, that they just followed the leader. They all wanted to be the leader. Emerald was frustrated, Casino started whacking out a bit, doing what he wanted, not getting in line. I think he just realized how little my daughter was. I caught a glimpse of Em’s face, it was red, and one of the pretty girls had mounted a female Chestnut, and gave her some vocal instructions. They were just out of my earshot. Em squeezed him and yanked his reins a certain way and suddenly Casino was under her control. I wish I knew that secret. It was too late, we were walking. Sarah, the pretty, young, blond ranch hand was our leader and James was next in line. Dan on Maddie, the mule, was behind James, and I was next, right before Emerald. Em was followed by an Indian woman who was not in our party, named Rupa. Addy, the little cowgirl, was holding the line. Right off the bat Dan’s mule started straying. She went off the trail to do her own thing, and enjoy some grass in peace, away from our party. I happily passed him, and moved up the line. Cowboy still had no idea how bad of a rider I was. Maddie was stubborn… as a mule. “You have to show her who’s boss right away, or she’ll be very hard to work with,” Sarah advised Dan as we kept walking past him up the hill. Dan didn’t want to get passed and left behind and he was able to whip Maddie back into line right behind me, before Em was able to pass him. I was rather impressed with Dan’s manly horse/ass riding maneuvers. He had watched a lot of cowboy based television programs and that seemed to be paying off. Again, I was so grateful I didn’t get assigned to Maddie. I could tell she was a difficult one. Dan was able to break the mule. Nice work I thought, but didn't tell him until later. I was concentrating too hard on pretending to know what I was doing. We were supposed to have a bit of a gap between the horses, but the horses didn’t like that. They liked to be closer, and were competitive toward the lead. Rupa was having some serious problems in the back, but I couldn’t see what was going on. I was afraid to turn around and lose my balance. My actual mental frame was: better her than me. We all had to wait for a bit for Rupa to get settled and Sarah was letting her horse, eat some side grass. She said it probably wasn’t a good idea, because then the horses will continually just eat the grass and not do what you tell them to do if you are too lenient. I let Cowboy have a few mouth-fulls just to be fair. Bad idea. Somewhere between letting Cowboy eat a bit while we were climbing the mountain and James and Sarah having regular young cute people conversation my horse started getting antsy and tried to pass sweet Little Red. Sarah explained her mare was in heat, and Cowboy had a crush on her. Great. Little Red and Cowboy pushed each other to make space. I was able to pull Cowboy back, but he wasn’t happy with me anymore. I think he finally figured out I was a fake. Sarah was laughing with James. She described an incident when a group of youngsters thought it was funny to turn backwards in their saddles. Cowboy decided the grass looked greener off the path. Stupid Dan and Maddie passed me while I hurried to get Cowboy back into line. Emerald flew by all 3 of us up the hill in full canter mode. WTF? She ended up pulling Casino back right next to Sarah while they waited at the top for the rest of the group. The little girl in the back of the line started chatting about how we were all going to trot at the top. I didn’t want to trot. Trotting slams your vagina bone into the saddle in unexpected bursts. That I did remember from childhood. Cowboy was slowing down and I didn’t want to get passed, especially by Rupa; I could hear the 9-year old constantly school her. I squeezed just a bit and Cowboy got angry, tossing his head and snorting and then started trotting. It was fast and he didn’t want to stop when I pulled the reigns. I guess I was cantering. I only know this because the impressed Addy said, “You’ve got him in full canter, great work!” Canter is worse than trot. It’s faster, I think. Cowboy didn’t want to stop, even when I pulled the reins. Everyone one on the trail was so impressed with my riding, except for me. We started a trend, and Emerald began trotting, or cantering, and then Dan tried it and even James on little Red. How fun! NOT. My vagina bone still hurts, though my whole family lied and said their taints weren’t pained. I have a bony butt, so they must have fat ones. I was able to control Cowboy once he got nearer to the others, and I was grateful when the methodical rhythmic steps returned to my agitated boss horse. I had to pull rank on him, like I do with my stubborn dog, Nika. I growled, really low and mean. It seems to work with animals that are not my 10 year old daughter. Emerald and Sarah pointed out the glorious view to the right. We finally caught up with them. They had been waiting on the hill together for a while, like old riding buddies. Our party was at the crest of the largest hill overlooking Bodega Bay. We could see multiple beaches and far away action of minuscule human activity in every direction. “It’s really beautiful,” Dan oohed softly. He was enjoying himself, so much. I guess that was the point of this family excursion. It was quite a breathtaking sight. I wish I could have savored the experience more, but I was still concentrating on my horse, who was catching a bit of an attitude. I rewarded his bad behavior by giving him more grass. I know, I’m lame, but at least I wasn’t trotting anymore. He had to slow down to eat it, right? Emerald and Sarah decided they’d canter or trot the entire top of the hill which made it hard to keep up without looking like a moron. We managed. At least Rupa was struggling more than I was. I could hear Addy giving her instructions almost the entire time. I was kind of eavesdropping in case I needed to know something. Dan told me later he watched the little girl yank the reins from Rupa to scold the horse. I was so glad that didn't happen to me. Just out of reach, I hoped to remain hidden in my facade of self discipline. When we got to another crest there was a hush and all the horses stopped. Sarah pointed out a two day old llama and it’s mother to our left, directly above us. It was a fluffy adorable puff of cuteness. The mom was a dark brown/black and the dad was a creamy reddish caramel color. The baby was a very light cream. They were perfect. I was really mad at myself for not bringing my camera at that moment. The baby llama was so close to us. Even James mentioned he should have brought his phone. The rest of the ride went without much controversy. The horses didn’t really like going downhill, it was obvious, and it was a pretty steep incline. I was glad I wasn’t fat, I’d feel guilty putting so much extra weight on the horses skinny little legs. It seemed like Dan’s mule took the downhill much better than the others. I was right behind him, and I wouldn’t let Cowboy pass, no matter how he tried. I was finally getting it, near the end of the ride. The little girl, gearing to show off took off for the front of the line while Sarah was waiting to close the gate. Since the ride was over, Sarah was kind about it, though I could tell it wasn’t protocol. Addy had to be in front, just like the alpha horses, and it was annoying and cute at the same time. Kids. Emerald was so extremely thrilled, she really had a great ride. I can see her on horses in the future, and I’m positive she’ll be a horse chick for life. But I’m not buying her one. She can volunteer to pick up poop and muck stalls for neighbors with horses. That’s how you start, and the ranch hand ladies confirmed that they started out the same way. Dan pulled back into the stall beaming and said “I’m on a big ass!” loud and proud. “No”, an older lady wrangler explained, “It’s a mule, not an ass. An ass is a donkey.” Dan was wrong about the ass, but he was right about the ride. It was a pretty special memory that the whole family enjoyed. When we drove off into the sunset he laughed that he still hadn’t ridden a horse. The View from the top of the hill Maddie, Dan's favorite mule (both images taken from the internet)
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
My mind wandersI write whatever I'm thinking in no particular order Archives
July 2023
Categories |